There was always this voice in my head , waiting to pounce as soon as I had set back either financial or career or some other area. Sometimes I would be feeling down in the dumps long before I knew what might have triggered it sometimes I would know instantly . My sense of not being able to recover from the set back made me feel that I was doomed to some type of perpetual prison.
I tried to escape in all sorts of ways but the underlying feeling persisted and life it seemed always was able to squeeze what little joy I had “saved” for myself , I was afraid to dream anymore.
Something I began to notice however , was whenever I had the chance to write down what I was feeling I found that I was able to sleep better.
Of course I did not know at the time I had the HSP trait so I was not consistent with this . I would stop as I felt better and try to “get on with it”. Getting on with it did not work for very long.
Later, to cope with series of personal crises over a period of years, I tried meditation , exercise , prayer, yoga. I had inadvertently gravitated to these practices . I had stumbled on a good way of managing my nerves. Discovering the fact that I was a HSP male made me decide to incorporate them into a more regular routine as part of my self-care. I also developed a new set of priorities and my approach to life and work began to change.
The intensity of the depression reduced and became manageable . I had been comparing myself to others and wondered why I could not just be like them . I had no idea they saw the world differently . This was especially true when talking about other men. In other words I thought a I was fundamentally dysfunctional man. It is an isolating position as men are not given to talk about such topics to each other or anyone for that matter. External achievement while important became less the goal.
I developed a set of statements to remember and they where -:
· I am separate from my thoughts
· My desire is to live at peace in my own skin
· I endeavor to be fully present at every moment (I use breath awareness that meditation teaches)
· To be honest with myself about my inner feelings (especially the difficult ones) and be patient with them
· To always be aware that even though I may be physically alone I am never truly alone (prayer helped with this)
· My struggles may feel so personal sometimes but many of them are universal at the same time
· Life is an adventure no matter how and pressing it may feel sometimes as a result I can always dream and re-dream it , go for it and enjoy the journey..
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